Rebecca’s love for Oprah stemmed back to childhood days playing sick to watch the Big O’s show at 3 pm (and to watch Maury at 11 AM, something she is neither more nor less proud of). She counts the last year of the Oprah show among the worst of her 26 years of life. Well, in her words it was the “world’s worst year ever,” but she’s a known exaggerator. It was to her great chagrin when Oprah announced her plans for the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls — Rebecca was five years too old, a McMansion too rich and an African citizenship short of being able to attend.
Rebecca sat in the middle of her walk-in closet and schemed and schemed for a way to get a foot in. She also cried a little and ungracefully wiped her tears with a mismonogramed handkerchief because life is “so unfair” and “everything sucks.” Her diplomatic mother told Rebecca to shut up and donate half her allowance to the school, maybe get a square tile monogrammed with her name on it on the school’s floor. Rebecca responded by holding out her snotty handkerchief and pompously shouting, “What’s the point? They will spell my name wrong anyway and Oprah will never be able to thank me on Twitter.”
Oprah fans spend their whole lives waiting for three things: new Toni Morrison books, an invitation to Oprah’s Black and White ball, and the ever evasive “a-ha” moment. Rebecca gives herself bonus points for having her “a-ha” moment involve Oprah herself, for it involving designer shoes, and also a little bit for it helping girls in Africa, even if she was “totally fucking jealous” of them. The day Oprah discovered she wore a size 11 show instead of size 10, was the day Rebecca’s life changed, and maybe also the lives of a couple African girls who would get the proceeds. But what are 100 page count notebooks when she could have Jimmy Choo sling backs that had all of Oprah’s rawest and perhaps most pungent inspirational juices absorbed into the soles.
The shoes cost a lot closer to half of Rebecca’s yearly allowance, but when money can buy inspiration, you can wait until Christmas to get a new iPad.
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to be continued 🙂
Ashley Jillian 
My wife used to watch Oprah. Now she watches OWN (I think that’s what it’s called). She even watched Rosie’s show. She never says “A-ha” when she has an “A-ha” moment, though.
she should! Or at least Oprah thinks she should because clearly having a lightbulb of an idea is not enough.
I feel like you are writing about me
lol?
pretty much always lol 🙂
Never cared to watch her program but she does a ton of good stuff for others which is very cool.
I’m not a huge fan of her opulence in daily life, though I am glad she does do a lot for charity
I used to like Oprah she had good shows and ones I didnt care to watch, but you have to admire her she is someone who overcame a lot and didnt let adversity cloud her sight to where she wanted to get to
that is true, and also her as someone who has a misspelled name out of the bible. I imagine that is also a bit awkward.
If “Big O” means Oprah instead of orgasm, then I guess she really is huge. Ditto for the “ah-ah” moments you talk about.
lol that was one of my small jokes that I wonder if anyone gets 🙂
Had to stop reading O magazine when, 6 months into it, I had to stop believing this woman was having once a month ah-ah moments
I have never read it, but maybe I will in like 20 years
Sorta late to party….but TAG you are it! Please stop by my blog….you don’t want to be it forever….and this is not freeze tag! 🙂
awww thanks for the award, super kind!
Oh yes, Oprah. Great story, Jillian. Naughty and nice.
thank ya kindly!
Ilove your writing, but must confess I had to stop loving Oprah when she squished so about Tom Cr-ewww!-se. Sorry.
I am much more of a Tyra Banks fan than I am an Oprah fan
I love your style of writing. Hilarious. Get Rebecca to call me. I am African, born and raised in Zimbabwe. Maybe I can relinquish my nationality to her in exchange for the ipad.
thank you! I’ll see if I can get her email address 🙂
Oprah came to Australia (with busloads of her fans) and completely missed the point of this nation! I was so disappointed to see her not make a very public, international effort to meet any of the Aboriginal people and “share their struggles with the world”. Just including an Aboriginal performer or three would have done. Instead, half the stars on her Opera House gig had to travel back from homes overseas to appear. I guess she was too busy with sponsors and such? I dunno … they said she raised the stakes for our tourism industry. Any Oprah fans out there booked a trip to OZ lately???????
I thought the “Big O” was an Ah-ha moment…Of course I believe her somewhat akin to the Anti-Christ but that’s just me…oh yea and just a little editing question “The day Oprah discovered she wore a size 11 show instead of size 10…” Did you mean “shoe”? here….just checkin…
Anyway funny as always
I had a heart attack when I saw “Rebecca”.
Anyway, this was great!
My goal for a while was to write a book and have it featured on Oprah. I missed it by a little bit.