Rebecca’s love for Oprah stemmed back to childhood days playing sick to watch the Big O’s show at 3 pm (and to watch Maury at 11 AM, something she is neither more nor less proud of). She counts the last year of the Oprah show among the worst of her 26 years of life. Well, in her words it was the “world’s worst year ever,” but she’s a known exaggerator. It was to her great chagrin when Oprah announced her plans for the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls — Rebecca was five years too old, a McMansion too rich and an African citizenship short of being able to attend.
Rebecca sat in the middle of her walk-in closet and schemed and schemed for a way to get a foot in. She also cried a little and ungracefully wiped her tears with a mismonogramed handkerchief because life is “so unfair” and “everything sucks.” Her diplomatic mother told Rebecca to shut up and donate half her allowance to the school, maybe get a square tile monogrammed with her name on it on the school’s floor. Rebecca responded by holding out her snotty handkerchief and pompously shouting, “What’s the point? They will spell my name wrong anyway and Oprah will never be able to thank me on Twitter.”
Oprah fans spend their whole lives waiting for three things: new Toni Morrison books, an invitation to Oprah’s Black and White ball, and the ever evasive “a-ha” moment. Rebecca gives herself bonus points for having her “a-ha” moment involve Oprah herself, for it involving designer shoes, and also a little bit for it helping girls in Africa, even if she was “totally fucking jealous” of them. The day Oprah discovered she wore a size 11 show instead of size 10, was the day Rebecca’s life changed, and maybe also the lives of a couple African girls who would get the proceeds. But what are 100 page count notebooks when she could have Jimmy Choo sling backs that had all of Oprah’s rawest and perhaps most pungent inspirational juices absorbed into the soles.
The shoes cost a lot closer to half of Rebecca’s yearly allowance, but when money can buy inspiration, you can wait until Christmas to get a new iPad.
to be continued 🙂