Rebecca and the Big O

Rebecca’s love for Oprah stemmed back to childhood days playing sick to watch the Big O’s show at 3 pm (and to watch Maury at 11 AM, something she is neither more nor less proud of). She counts the last year of the Oprah show among the worst of her 26 years of life. Well, in her words it was the “world’s worst year ever,” but she’s a known exaggerator. It was to her great chagrin when Oprah announced her  plans for the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls — Rebecca was five years too old, a McMansion too rich and an African citizenship short of being able to attend.

Rebecca sat in the middle of her walk-in closet and schemed and schemed for a way to get a foot in. She also cried a little and ungracefully wiped her tears  with a mismonogramed handkerchief because life is “so unfair” and “everything sucks.”  Her diplomatic mother told Rebecca to shut up and donate half her allowance to the school, maybe get a square tile monogrammed with her name on it on the school’s floor. Rebecca responded by holding out her snotty handkerchief and pompously shouting, “What’s the point? They will spell my name wrong anyway and Oprah will never be able to thank me on Twitter.”

Oprah fans spend their whole lives waiting for three things: new Toni Morrison books, an invitation to Oprah’s Black and White ball, and the ever evasive “a-ha” moment. Rebecca gives herself bonus points for having her “a-ha” moment involve Oprah herself, for it involving designer shoes, and also a little bit for it helping girls in Africa, even if she was “totally fucking jealous” of them. The day Oprah discovered she wore a size 11 show instead of  size 10, was the day Rebecca’s life changed, and maybe also the lives of a couple African girls who would get the proceeds. But what are 100 page count notebooks when she could have Jimmy Choo sling backs that had all of Oprah’s rawest and perhaps most pungent inspirational juices absorbed into the soles.

The shoes cost a lot closer to half of Rebecca’s yearly allowance, but when money can buy inspiration, you can wait until Christmas to get a new iPad.




to be continued 🙂



25 thoughts on “Rebecca and the Big O

  1. Jim Cantwell says:

    I used to like Oprah she had good shows and ones I didnt care to watch, but you have to admire her she is someone who overcame a lot and didnt let adversity cloud her sight to where she wanted to get to

  2. theoctoberseer says:

    I love your style of writing. Hilarious. Get Rebecca to call me. I am African, born and raised in Zimbabwe. Maybe I can relinquish my nationality to her in exchange for the ipad.

  3. Michael Burge says:

    Oprah came to Australia (with busloads of her fans) and completely missed the point of this nation! I was so disappointed to see her not make a very public, international effort to meet any of the Aboriginal people and “share their struggles with the world”. Just including an Aboriginal performer or three would have done. Instead, half the stars on her Opera House gig had to travel back from homes overseas to appear. I guess she was too busy with sponsors and such? I dunno … they said she raised the stakes for our tourism industry. Any Oprah fans out there booked a trip to OZ lately???????

  4. dysfunctional unit says:

    I thought the “Big O” was an Ah-ha moment…Of course I believe her somewhat akin to the Anti-Christ but that’s just me…oh yea and just a little editing question “The day Oprah discovered she wore a size 11 show instead of size 10…” Did you mean “shoe”? here….just checkin…
    Anyway funny as always

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