2015: You Can’t Win Them All

A few highlights of my 2015 🙂 :

  • My old boss told me I sounded “too straight-forward” in work emails, so I should try to include a smiley face and an “!” in each email. This is now amongst my worst habits.
  • I discovered those video blackjack machines in Las Vegas that are pretty demeaning to animated women,  but also pay well if you play them right. Verdict: Worth it, but I feel a little dirty.
  • I think I only read one book, and it was about makeup …
  • I am almost out of debt
  • I didn’t write enough, this sentence feels short.

 

Happy New Year, every body! Be weary of drunk drivers, they are terrifying.

Advertisements

A Blog Post to the Internet (Because who are we kidding pretending this is a letter?)

Some days I feel nostalgia for things I’ve never had. For example, a pen pal in second grade who keeps up the charade of old-school blind friendship for more than ONE flashcard-sized letter. This is coming from a girl who gets overly excited by getting an email from a real human because my ratio of those to casting notices and newsletters is super underwhelming.

Hence, I’ve been largely hanging out in the physical world with the notable exception of online poker because no one is perfect except for my dog, and even she poops on the side of the house sometimes because it brings her great joy.

Here is a short list of what I have been up to:

  • Started to run a comedic variety show where I have made a lot of inspiring friends
  • Gave up all variations of soda for 8-months, didn’t lose any weight
  • Booked a national commercial and several pilots
  • Rented a house in the city (with roommates) that bled my finances dry
  • Got really into tap dancing
  • Moved to my parent’s house
  • Ran into Ricky Gervais on my way to a commercial audition, got really jazzed about it. Pulled a butt muscle during the audition, played it off real cool.
  • Hollywood is glamorous, y’all

So now I am back in the valley, charming everyone with my valley accent, and working to get myself back on my $$ feet because I am not sure how possible it is to be in your 20s and not work in tech and have a savings account.

Meet Fantasia Barrino

Our
amazing foster puppy! No one should trust me to name a child.

20140702-203827-74307789.jpg

Looking forward to the holiday, anyone doing anything cool? I will be hitting up a local Cheesecake Factory patio and watching fireworks #america. Now I feel a compulsive need to look up whether Cheesecake Factory is American, which kind of makes my evening even more American

We are also prepping to move because they raised the rent on my current place by $375! Telling them I was a starving artist didn’t seem to help. When I gave notice, for some reason I told them I’ll miss them, which was an awkward, at best, move.

We are moving to a house with bars on the front windows and my mom is thrilled. Don’t worry, we are investing in a “Beware of Dog” sign

Eavesdropping

I like to pretend that being an actor/improviser gives me a license to eavesdrop on people. You know, it’s not creepy, it’s totally just research for making interesting character choices. Also, it’s America, I do what I want.

A few months ago when I was unemployed (super uplifting way to start an anecdote), I was reading at a cafe and two police officers came and sat at the table next to me. The woman, who I think was a dispatcher, was a 300-pounder with her hair in a slicked back greasy pony tail. The man looked like Eric Estrada in the ’80s, except he was like a late ’90s version #vaguelydreamy.

Anyways, they had totally been doing it.

I guess he had been on vacation and hadn’t contacted his girly friend since he got back and she was really upset about and kept asking him “how do you think that makes me feel?” and he would be like “Bla bla bla, excuse, bla bla bla, excuse.”  That went on for 20-minutes, no joke, and then *bam* awkward silence. They just stopped talking, and kept eating. For the record, she was eating oatmeal, which I guess is like a girl eating a breakfast salad on the worst date ever . Then all the sudden …

the lady cop was like, “I WANT YOU BACK!”

to which he responded,

And I was like ,

So Not Ready

I turn 23 in two months.  The only thing that makes me feel better is being too young to be familiar with various media references that come up at work and/or in improv class.  Not even kidding. It’s the only thing.

Granted, I feel like in a few years I will be on the other side of that. And I am willing to bet money that I will be referencing the Tyra show, and some 20 year-old won’t get it. I will make a O.o face at them and say that they just don’t make television the way they used to. Then I will cry the same way Tyra cried when she wore that fat suit.

never forget.

Five Ways to Get Your Humor Post Freshly Pressed*

I decided to take a completely non-scientific look at what the WordPress curators think is funny/what they think will make the residents of WordPress lol. Basically, who do they think we are? Why does WordPress hate people who are actually funny?

1. Use the Top 10 Format* Nothing says comedy like a list.

Let’s check out this freshly pressed list about going to the dentist.

The idea of completely organized humor is about as edgy as David Letterman. I mean, how non-threatening is the blogger’s avoidance of the Oxford Comma?

answer: about as threatening as going to the dentist

I am not a fan of sweeping generalizations in comedy, or otherwise. I got a few points knocked off a paper I wrote freshman year because I called people who lived in America “Americans.” My TA scribbled  “people who live in South America and Canadians are technically Americans, too!” in the margin ( <– I went to Berkeley). My TA had a point: generalizations are rarely accurate, usually offensive and frequently not funny. The things on this list are not true about my dentist — I love my dentist. My dentist could kick your dentist’s ass and maybe he should kick your’s too for making some mean-spirited generalizations about him.

2. Write About a Common Experience In this casenever lolling at a freshly pressed humor post.

Maybe I should take my own advice and stop posting about how ridiculous artichoke cookbooks that look like romance novels are.

Most WordPress users can relate to the subject of this freshly pressed post and nearly all people who avoid the Oxford Comma can. So cool, you have my attention, I hope you have something interesting to say.

I think a lot of good humor stems from the melding of ideas that don’t obviously belong together. If you go for the obvious, please have something original to add to the conversation. Content-wise this freshly pressed post seems super generic to me, at least they attempted to have some sort of writing style.

Let’s talk about the “!!!” at the end of the first sentence. It’d be annoying with one exclamation point, using three exclamation points unironically is just insulting to my intelligence. Give your audience the benefit of the doubt — they can figure out what’s important. Other frequently found offenders: CAPS LOCK, ???, ?!? and  (parenthetical snark (I do this sometimes)).

3. Be White and Middle-Aged I can’t relate

I’m not going to comment on this further, but I am going to acknowledge that I am clearly not the target WordPress demographic. There needs to be a blogging platform geared towards apathetic 22 year-olds who aren’t obsessed with Glee (that disqualifies Tumblr).

4. Make Cheesy Jokes I do really well on this one

It hurts me when people try this hard to be funny.


I’m OK with cheesy jokes, but it’s important to use them sparingly. A post full of them is pretty much unreadable. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed at a low quality Steve Jobs joke. Sorry I’m not sorry. Maybe people just shouldn’t answer their phones if they are too busy to talk? Seems like a simpler solution.

5.  Be a Parenting Blog Bonus points if you’re a Daddy blog, they love that shizz

WordPress is the least edgy place ever. 

No one cares about your kids.  At least this freshly pressed blogger is a good writer, but in general mommy blogs make me hate the Internet. I also don’t really understand why mom jeans get so much hype — leggings as pants, camel toe and sweatpants are much more offensive.

Honorable Mentions

  • Write about first world problems, apparently all humorous situations happen to people from the same socioeconomic background
  • Have a caption contest with some photo you ripped from The Economist
  • Use five year-old jokes, like “Ugh Boots,” and pretend they’re original
  • Be nostalgic of decades past, childhood or at least laugh at all the crazy technology the kids are using these days